I have a confession to make.
I love romantic comedies. I also love those cheesy movies on cable where the country guy with the flannel shirt and golden retriever woos the city girl when she realizes how materialistic she’s become after she returns to her hometown because her crazy old aunt left her an inn she has to run while aforementioned Flannel Man does the repairs so she can sell it. I love that those movies end the way I want them to. They’re predictable. They’re stable. They’re (usually) entertaining. I’m not saying they’re valuable as art, or even examples of good relationships, but they’re a nice way to escape for a couple hours now and then.
I read that those movies are problematic because they give people unrealistic expectations of relationships. Personally, I never had difficulty understanding that no one was going to stop an airplane to sing me a song… he wrote… in the car… driven by a rock star… on the way to the airport… or search every yellow cab in New York City to find me so he can confess his undying love for me… while lifting me in the air… in the snow… with my rescue dog at his feet… while the orphaned children whom I just fed cookies (that I made in my new bakery) “ooOOOOooo” in their childish way. A bigger problem with those movies is that they end at the beginning. They end where the new life of the couple begins. We never learn what happens in the Happily Ever After. The problem is that it makes people think that once the wedding bells ring, that’s it… it’s all smooth sailing from there. Those of us who are married know that is not the case at all. Life is not smooth sailing and if you’re living a life together you are not experiencing smooth sailing.
In my teen years, while other girls were reading Danielle Steel novels (another great source of unrealistic expectations), I was reading the writings of Laura Ingalls Wilder. Though I’ve only read it once (because I have issues with the circumstances of the posthumous publication, but that’s a topic for another day), The First Four Years is an excellent illustration of what real love in real life is. In their first four years of marriage, Laura and Almanzo lose their crops multiple times which leads to their financial ruin, they experience illness that leaves him partially paralyzed for the rest of his life, they lose a child, and they lose their home and nearly all their possessions to fire. At the end of the four years, they remain committed to each other and the life of farming they chose together. In her middle age Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote for The Missouri Ruralist and in many of her articles she provides illustrations of their partnership in life. Her writing reflects their mutual love and respect for one another in the small, quiet, everyday things. There’s nothing flashy or dramatic about their life together; it is simply waking up each day being thankful for each other and working together to live life whether the seas are calm or rough. This quiet, strong, supportive love was the Happily Ever After I wanted when I grew up.
Bugs ‘n Plugs and I will be celebrating our 16th anniversary next week. Happily Ever After has not been smooth sailing for us. We’ve lost family members, experienced multiple financial setbacks, had frustrations at work, navigated special needs parenthood, helped when our parents have had medical issues, and cared for each other when we’ve experienced health issues. Happily Ever After has definitely not been smooth sailing. Still, we’re excited and grateful… not because we have another anniversary together, but because we have another day together. Before our 12th anniversary we almost didn’t have another anniversary… twice. Once, Bugs ‘n Plugs was diagnosed with kidney cancer and a few years later he had a pulmonary embolism. In both instances the doctors gave me scary news and then left me alone in a hospital room while they took him for testing or a procedure. I wish I could say I prayed when they left the room with him. I did… eventually. But first, I thought of every scary thought and worst-case scenario there was to think about. I didn’t cry or fret, but inside my brain was a pretty dark place to be. Both instances happened before my 40th birthday and when you say your vows at your wedding, you don’t think “until death do us part” will happen before your 40th birthday. Though everything turned out fine both times, we learned to be thankful for every day together because the next anniversary is not a guarantee. Happily Ever After has not been smooth sailing, but we’ve sailed the rough patches together. We’ve cried and prayed together, supported each other, and loved each other. We wake up each day thankful for one another, we remain each other’s favorite person and best partner, we commit to loving one another and praying for one another daily, we respect each other, and we laugh together. There is nothing flashy or dramatically romantic about our life together, it is a quiet, strong, supportive love. Maybe our life wouldn’t make a good romantic comedy, but I have the Happily Ever After I dreamed of when I was a teen and that quiet, strong, supportive love that can weather the storms of life is better than any grand gestures or romantic speeches.